Monthly Archives: March 2022

Four

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As an Enneagram 4, I find that I’m frequently longing for something, or someone, that I can deeply connect with. I’m searching for something to move me. I want mountaintop experiences on the regular. Mundane, rote, lackluster things leave me feeling empty and wanting more.

I heard a song today and listened to the lyrics for the first time. “Holy Spirit come like a flood, like a fire. Holy Spirit fall in this place, fill our hearts…God, we know you have so much more. We’re looking to a new horizon. We’re praying for your rain to pour…” I had this realization that this is one thing I’m searching for – the feeling of being in the presence of God. The emotion that goes with it. And I don’t just want this for a moment, I want this all the time.

I don’t want to just know that God is with me, or living in me. I want to feel it. I want the experience of it. I want to be moved. Maybe this isn’t realistic all the time. Maybe I’m a dreamer. Maybe this isn’t even what it’s about. But it’s what I long for.

I’ve come to understand that because I’m a 4, I grew very comfortable with the time I spent in depression. It was a time in which I felt everything viscerally. It’s odd to think that it was comfortable because it really was extremely painful, but it’s the fact that I was deep into my emotions that made it feel so authentic.

Even more difficult to understand is that I sometimes miss it. How could that possibly be? Well, it’s just as I’ve said – I was feeling everything, which is what feels authentically me. Now, though, I don’t feel things nearly as intensely. I suppose that’s a good thing. I know it is. But still, sometimes I crave the experience of the strong emotions. It’s the experience I miss. Although it ravishes me, it makes me know that I’m alive – that I’m experiencing something on a visceral level.

Now that I’m not engulfed in my feelings all the time, I just have this sense of wanting. I have this sense of longing. I feel like some part of me is missing. This is why I desire something meaningful in my life. This is why I turn to God to fill this void that I feel. I think, though, that it will not quite be filled while I’m on this side of Heaven. I think what I’m searching for can’t be captured until I meet Jesus face to face.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just not great with words and can’t really convey what it is that I’m trying to say. Now is one of those times. I’m not sad. I’m not anxious to get to Heaven. I simply realize that I want something more than this world has to offer.

So what do I do with that? Well, I make the most of the opportunities that I have to tap into meaningful moments. I cherish Spirit-filled worship. I nurture friendships. And I wait. For one day my heart will be full to the brim with all its desires.

In Awe of Him

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I love Jesus. I mean, I really, truly love Jesus with every part of my being. I could never express in mere words what he means to me. I just don’t know how. It’s beyond my capabilities.

I’ve seen him perform miracles in my life for which I am eternally grateful. I have put my life in his hands and he has gently, graciously, mercifully saved me. And I am in awe of him.

His love is boundless for me and I don’t deserve it. Yet he gives it regardless of my undeserving nature. And I am in awe of him.

My love for him is so deep and personal that it’s hard for me to talk about. It’s probably because I can’t put the right words on it to express what he means to me in my life. So I find that I don’t even try sometimes. I shy away from it because words fall short. And I am in awe of him.

While I know that I have this very meaningful relationship with Christ, does anyone else see it in me? I wonder. Is my light shining? Is it evident that I belong to Jesus?

I think it is. I do all the things. I go to church. I listen to worship music. I pray. I read my Bible. I talk about Jesus. But I don’t really share about my personal experience with him too much. So maybe that part is missing. Maybe my light could be brighter.

Maybe others need to hear what Jesus is doing, or has done, in my life. Maybe that’s more impactful than seeing me go to church. Maybe vulnerability is what people need to see. Maybe.

I’ve been really convicted the last couple of weeks that maybe I haven’t done the best job with my children. I should’ve prayed with them more. I should’ve taught them more. I should’ve…

Truth is, I could play that game all day, right? I could always do better, but I believe God will bless what I did do. I gave my children a good foundation of faith.

My prayer now is that I continue to teach them as they are grown (and almost grown). My prayer is that I will be bold in talking to them about my faith. My prayer is that they will love Jesus as much as I do.

There’s a song with lyrics that say this: “I’m a man whose one ambition is to dance with my divine.” And I think that’s so beautiful. That his only mission in life is to be with Jesus.

And that’s mine, too. Jesus is magnificent, and I’m in awe of him.