As an Enneagram 4, I find that I’m frequently longing for something, or someone, that I can deeply connect with. I’m searching for something to move me. I want mountaintop experiences on the regular. Mundane, rote, lackluster things leave me feeling empty and wanting more.
I heard a song today and listened to the lyrics for the first time. “Holy Spirit come like a flood, like a fire. Holy Spirit fall in this place, fill our hearts…God, we know you have so much more. We’re looking to a new horizon. We’re praying for your rain to pour…” I had this realization that this is one thing I’m searching for – the feeling of being in the presence of God. The emotion that goes with it. And I don’t just want this for a moment, I want this all the time.
I don’t want to just know that God is with me, or living in me. I want to feel it. I want the experience of it. I want to be moved. Maybe this isn’t realistic all the time. Maybe I’m a dreamer. Maybe this isn’t even what it’s about. But it’s what I long for.
I’ve come to understand that because I’m a 4, I grew very comfortable with the time I spent in depression. It was a time in which I felt everything viscerally. It’s odd to think that it was comfortable because it really was extremely painful, but it’s the fact that I was deep into my emotions that made it feel so authentic.
Even more difficult to understand is that I sometimes miss it. How could that possibly be? Well, it’s just as I’ve said – I was feeling everything, which is what feels authentically me. Now, though, I don’t feel things nearly as intensely. I suppose that’s a good thing. I know it is. But still, sometimes I crave the experience of the strong emotions. It’s the experience I miss. Although it ravishes me, it makes me know that I’m alive – that I’m experiencing something on a visceral level.
Now that I’m not engulfed in my feelings all the time, I just have this sense of wanting. I have this sense of longing. I feel like some part of me is missing. This is why I desire something meaningful in my life. This is why I turn to God to fill this void that I feel. I think, though, that it will not quite be filled while I’m on this side of Heaven. I think what I’m searching for can’t be captured until I meet Jesus face to face.
Sometimes I feel like I’m just not great with words and can’t really convey what it is that I’m trying to say. Now is one of those times. I’m not sad. I’m not anxious to get to Heaven. I simply realize that I want something more than this world has to offer.
So what do I do with that? Well, I make the most of the opportunities that I have to tap into meaningful moments. I cherish Spirit-filled worship. I nurture friendships. And I wait. For one day my heart will be full to the brim with all its desires.