There’s something to be said about being known by others. I mean truly known. Not just the superficial knowing of another person, but the actual deep knowing that comes with sharing the real parts of ourselves with another person.
It’s the kind of thing that breaks down barriers between people. It’s the kind of thing that best friendships are built on. It’s the kind of thing that forms the foundation of trust. It’s the kind of thing that we crave. At least I do.
I’ve been here for about a year now and I feel like no one really knows me. Can I be honest for a minute? I feel like no one really cares to know me. I feel invisible in a sea of people, lost and aimlessly swimming about, just hoping to bump into someone who might actually be interested in knowing me. At the moment, that feels like it will never happen. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. I continually question why God had me pick up my life and move it, just to leave me here – friendless. Ah, but I digress, just a bit.
As I was saying, I’ve been here for about a year and I’m not much closer to knowing anyone or having them know me than I was a year ago. In what now feels like a desperate attempt to have someone know me, I recently told someone something very personal about myself. It isn’t really a secret, but this person didn’t know. At the time, I thought I had a reason to share the information, but the more I think about it, the more random it seems. And now I’m fighting embarrassment for having shared.
The truth is, I just wanted someone to know me a little better. I wanted someone to know something about me and have some sort of understanding of who I am as a person. Is that so bad? Should I feel embarrassed? I really don’t think so, but somehow I do.
We had a special service at our church today. We’ve been focusing on bringing the church family back home and starting anew after COVID ransacked things for a while. It was a nice service. I cried all the way through it. I cried because it doesn’t feel like home to me. I don’t feel connected to this body of believers. I feel like a stranger in a foreign land. Invisible. Lonely. So, while others around me greeted each other with hugs and laughter, I stood there with tears in my eyes, just hoping they wouldn’t spill down my cheeks.
I really struggle with this because, while I am very lonely and would like to build some new friendships, I am also painfully shy and suffer from some pretty significant social anxiety. So from the outside, it probably appears that I’m not at all interested in talking to anyone. The real truth is, though, that I’m scared to talk to anyone. Scared of rejection or some sort of embarrassment. My mind is riddled with things like not knowing what to say to people or being convinced that they wouldn’t want to talk to me. So I just wait and hope someone will talk to me first.
I guess it’s easy to see why I haven’t made any friends, right? Maybe this is just not the season for me to have a lot of friends. Maybe God has something else in mind for me right now. I don’t know. But a friend sure would be nice.