I want to be…

Standard

Better.

I think that’s the bottom line. I want to be better in so many ways. A better wife. A better mom. A better friend. A better counselor. A better Christian.

Better.

More fit. More outgoing. More organized. More energetic.

More.

Do you ever feel that way? Like you’re not enough? Like what you’re doing isn’t enough? Do you ever feel like you’re just not quite living up to your own expectations?

I don’t mean this in a ‘oh I’m a terrible loser’ kind of way. I simply mean that I have this drive within me to be better. To thrive and not just survive. I have this desire within me to be a person who exudes love and who emulates Jesus. I want to be selfless in such a way that it builds me up as well as others.

But somehow, I don’t see myself being this person right now. I see a person who is too inwardly focused. I see a person who is bogged down with life. I see a person who must live within the confounds of a limited capacity.

For many years, I gave and gave and gave without realizing that it was too much. I didn’t realize that it was out of balance and that I was ignoring my own needs. But then, when personal crisis hit, I was forced to completely pull back and focus solely on myself. That’s hard for a giver, but I had no choice. Several years later, I’m ready to find some sort of balance. It can’t look like it used to, where I ignore my own needs. But doing for others is what has always come naturally for me, so that’s what I want to get back to on a more regular basis.

This is what I want to do. But there is a problem. It still overwhelms me. Life still overwhelms me. Stress unravels me. Many times, just getting through the day is all I can do. I have a hard time understanding this. How can this still be the case? How can it have been so long, yet I’m still so limited? Will things ever feel more normal? Will I ever move closer toward the person I once was?

Will I ever be better?

Here’s the truth. There is a balance that I can find. There will be ebbs and flows along the way. Sometimes I will be able to do more than other times. And that’s ok. I just have to remind myself that it’s ok. I have to remind myself that I am on the right track to being the best I can be. And if I’m not at my best everyday, that doesn’t make me a failure. It makes me human.

So, I’ll keep trying to be better, because that’s important to me. But I’ll do it in such a way that it’s healthy and uplifting. That’s a better way to live.

About Beautifully Polarized

Life is ever changing. God is working in me more everyday. He has blessed me with a husband who is my best friend in every aspect of life, and three children who teach me about life and love everyday. He has blessed me further with friends who help me get through the rough days, and laugh with me on the good days. And, I believe He gave me the best mom a girl could ask for. He has also given me trials so that I can grow into the person He intended me to be. Walking with Him makes life in this world bearable.

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