Soul Sadness

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This is going to be real and raw and heavy.

Somewhere deep within me is a sadness that is embedded into my soul. I can’t explain it, I just know it’s there. I feel it almost every second of every day. It doesn’t leave me but for short snippets of time. I carry on with my days. I smile. I laugh. No one knows the sadness I carry unless I tell them it’s there.

I hide it well.

But it weighs me down. It nags at me, begging me to deal with it. I want so badly to share it someone. I want to tell someone about it. But not just anyone. I want someone who can sit with me and really understand. I want someone who can sit with me and really listen. Really empathize. Really feel what I’m saying. I need this.

I need it.

It isn’t enough to just briefly tell someone in passing that I’m sad. It isn’t enough. A quick conversation or text message isn’t going to help. An effort to cheer me up or a ‘look on the bright side’ moment won’t do the trick. I feel desperately alone and I need someone to walk alongside me.

I feel as though I don’t belong here. The person I’m looking for doesn’t exist except in the person of Jesus. And though He is with me in spirit, I still long to be with him in a more tangible way. I want to be with Him, not here.

Not here.

I’ve tried so hard to overcome this sadness, but it still plagues me. I wonder what I’m doing wrong. Is there something I’m holding onto that keeps me from being happier? Is there something I’m doing that causes the sadness to linger? I don’t know. I don’t think so, but maybe I’m wrong.

There are days when it’s clear to me why God chose me for this life. For this illness. And then there are days when I have no idea why. There are days when I don’t understand why I’m sad so much of the time. I try not to let guilt pile on top of it, but it’s hard. I try not to fall in the ‘should’ trap. Because I should be happy.

But I’m not.

And I don’t know why.

And I don’t know if what I feel is a normal way for a Christian to feel or if it crosses the line into something unhealthy. I just know that I want to be with Jesus. More than anything. But at the same time, I have this awareness that my work here isn’t done, so it isn’t time.

Somehow I have to reconcile the sadness and the waiting. I don’t want to live a sad life. But I don’t understand happy people sometimes. How are they so happy? I don’t get it. I wish I did.

Oh, how I wish I did.

About Beautifully Polarized

Life is ever changing. God is working in me more everyday. He has blessed me with a husband who is my best friend in every aspect of life, and three children who teach me about life and love everyday. He has blessed me further with friends who help me get through the rough days, and laugh with me on the good days. And, I believe He gave me the best mom a girl could ask for. He has also given me trials so that I can grow into the person He intended me to be. Walking with Him makes life in this world bearable.

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