Sometimes being bipolar is so confusing. Things seem to be backwards for me. It seems that the less sleep I get, the more energy I have. And when I get plenty of sleep, I am tired and sluggish.
When I get less sleep, I have greater focus. I’m able to accomplish things that I typically couldn’t. I am driven. But when I sleep like I’m supposed to, I tend to feel depressed and lack motivation. I can’t seem to muster the energy to accomplish things.
This makes no sense. It’s backwards. This is how bipolar affects me. And I’ll tell you something – it doesn’t make me inclined to want to take care of myself the way I’m supposed.
I don’t want to get enough sleep. I feel better when I don’t. And I’ve kind of learned that I can manipulate it to some degree. I can choose to get up early and stay up late. I can choose to work nonstop throughout the day, which energizes me even more. It makes me feel like the energizer bunny. I keep going and going and going…
So what’s the incentive to practice good sleep hygiene? I honestly don’t know right now. Truly. I understand the risks involved. I understand it could develop into something I don’t want to deal with. But maybe I can control that to some degree too? Maybe I can ward that off if I start to see those signs. Maybe I can stay in the sweet spot. Or maybe it’s all wishful thinking and it’s too good to be true. Maybe after a few days of feeling great I will crash and burn.
I don’t know.
What I do know is that I’m overwhelmed right now and I have too much to do to be tired and sluggish. So for now, if I wake up at 5:00 AM, I’m getting up and getting to work. And if I’m not sleepy at midnight, I’ll keep working. Well, ok. Maybe midnight will be my cutoff.
This is a tough disorder to live with. It’s a constant balancing act, and one that constantly changes. Once you find something that works, you stick with it, but it only seems to work for a certain period of time before things begin to get out of balance again. I guess for now limited sleep may be what I need. Or not. Sometimes it’s hard to tell.
Welcome to my world.