Backwards

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Sometimes being bipolar is so confusing. Things seem to be backwards for me. It seems that the less sleep I get, the more energy I have. And when I get plenty of sleep, I am tired and sluggish.

When I get less sleep, I have greater focus. I’m able to accomplish things that I typically couldn’t. I am driven. But when I sleep like I’m supposed to, I tend to feel depressed and lack motivation. I can’t seem to muster the energy to accomplish things.

This makes no sense. It’s backwards. This is how bipolar affects me. And I’ll tell you something – it doesn’t make me inclined to want to take care of myself the way I’m supposed.

I don’t want to get enough sleep. I feel better when I don’t. And I’ve kind of learned that I can manipulate it to some degree. I can choose to get up early and stay up late. I can choose to work nonstop throughout the day, which energizes me even more. It makes me feel like the energizer bunny. I keep going and going and going…

So what’s the incentive to practice good sleep hygiene? I honestly don’t know right now. Truly. I understand the risks involved. I understand it could develop into something I don’t want to deal with. But maybe I can control that to some degree too? Maybe I can ward that off if I start to see those signs. Maybe I can stay in the sweet spot. Or maybe it’s all wishful thinking and it’s too good to be true. Maybe after a few days of feeling great I will crash and burn.

I don’t know.

What I do know is that I’m overwhelmed right now and I have too much to do to be tired and sluggish. So for now, if I wake up at 5:00 AM, I’m getting up and getting to work. And if I’m not sleepy at midnight, I’ll keep working. Well, ok. Maybe midnight will be my cutoff.

This is a tough disorder to live with. It’s a constant balancing act, and one that constantly changes. Once you find something that works, you stick with it, but it only seems to work for a certain period of time before things begin to get out of balance again. I guess for now limited sleep may be what I need. Or not. Sometimes it’s hard to tell.

Welcome to my world.

About Beautifully Polarized

Life is ever changing. God is working in me more everyday. He has blessed me with a husband who is my best friend in every aspect of life, and three children who teach me about life and love everyday. He has blessed me further with friends who help me get through the rough days, and laugh with me on the good days. And, I believe He gave me the best mom a girl could ask for. He has also given me trials so that I can grow into the person He intended me to be. Walking with Him makes life in this world bearable.

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