Grief

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I’m all in my feelings today.  The grief has begun to set in, and quite honestly, I’m a mess at the moment.  I’m having a moment of the ‘It’s not fairs.’  The ‘I don’t want tos’ and the ‘I shouldn’t have tos’ are along for the ride, as well.  Basically, I’m delightful.

I went to the store a few days ago and started picking out cards for various people.  You know, goodbye cards.  Goodbye cards.  How do you say goodbye to a life that you’ve lived for eight years?  I mean, that may not seem like a long time to you, but to me that may as well be an eternity.  In my entire life, I hadn’t lived in any one home for eight years, until here.  In my adult life, I hadn’t lived in any city longer than three and a half years, until here.  This is home to me.  And now I’m buying goodbye cards.

And my heart is breaking.  I’m not sure I can handle it.

I had lunch with a friend today.  It was so nice.  It was comfortable.  Familiar.  There was none of that get-to-know-you stuff that makes my social anxiety want to rear its ugly head.  There was no need for small talk to fill the awkwardness of new relationship.  It was just me and my friend, relaxing together with our feet in the sand.  Ah, beach life.  How I will miss it.

My son will be staying here to go to college.  He is moving out at the end of this month to live with a friend for the summer until he moves into his dorm.  That means that in 13 days my middle child will no longer be living at home.  Oh, how I will miss him.

Today, I signed up to be in involved in something at our new church in Houston.  I’m sure it’s because I was already sad and grieving today, but it hit me that I will once again be the new person.  I will be starting all over with making new friends and finding my place in my new life.  This is something that I’ve learned to do, and I’ve learned to do it well, but can I tell you a secret?  It scares me to my core.  I have really bad social anxiety.  I just know how to do things even though I’m scared or nervous.  I do them anyway.  I put a smile on my face, and I do them anyway.  I’m almost always glad I did, but it’s still hard.

It hit me a few days ago that all of these big changes and goodbyes are all coming at the same time.  We will leave military life, our home, our friends, and our son in Florida, and move to Texas.  Just a few days later, we will take our daughter back to school, and will suddenly be down to one child.  For a few weeks, we will essentially be homeless.  In a matter of days, our lives will have drastically changed.

Part of me feels like maybe I’m having a bit of a pity party for myself, but the other part of me is looking at the big picture and cutting myself some slack.  There is a lot going on in my life right now.  A lot of change is occurring all at once.  Lots of goodbyes.  Lots of chapters ending.  Lots of grief.  I’m just giving myself some space to feel it.

In the midst of all of this, though, God has provided for us every step of the way.  We sold our house in record time.  We each have jobs to go to.  We will have a new home to go to quickly after we arrive.  There could really be so much more stress related to this move, but God has relieved so much of that for us.  We are truly blessed.  So, as much as I know I have to walk through the grief of this move, I keep reminding myself that God must have something really special waiting for us to do in Houston.  He has really paved the way.  I’m excited to see what He has in store!

About Beautifully Polarized

Life is ever changing. God is working in me more everyday. He has blessed me with a husband who is my best friend in every aspect of life, and three children who teach me about life and love everyday. He has blessed me further with friends who help me get through the rough days, and laugh with me on the good days. And, I believe He gave me the best mom a girl could ask for. He has also given me trials so that I can grow into the person He intended me to be. Walking with Him makes life in this world bearable.

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