I’m Not Ready


I’m not sure what it was about today, but today was the day.  It was the day that it hit me.  It’s likely that we won’t be back at church yet before it’s time for us to move.  Do you know what that means?  That means we won’t get to say our goodbyes to so many people.  It means we may have had all of our ‘lasts’ and didn’t even know it.  It means the hugs and farewells that I’ve been planning for who knows how long may never happen.

And I’m not ready for that.

I’m not ready to accept that a huge part of this chapter of my life has already come to a close and I didn’t even recognize it.  It just quietly passed without so much as a nod in its direction.  That’s not how it was supposed to be.  Not at all.  Not. At. All.

No more classes.  No more shake-n-bakes.  No more rehearsals.  No more sound checks.  No more singing with the praise.  My praise team.  Ah.  My people.  This is where it really hurts.

Something happens when you sing with a group of people.  You form a bond that you can’t really describe.  You know what I’m talking about if you’ve been part of a singing group.  These people become a second family in a sense.  They become special.  These people are special.  I’ve been singing with some of them for nearly eight years.  That’s a long time – longer than I’ve sung with any other group.  And I didn’t even get a chance to tell them goodbye, much less sing with them one last time.  And my heart is breaking just a little bit.  Ok, maybe a lot.

There will be so many people and things that I will have to say goodbye to.  I will shed many tears.  Alright, many more tears.  I’ve already shed a few.  But this one particular group of people will be harder to say goodbye to than most anything else.

When we went into this whole social distancing thing however many weeks ago, we still had about three months before it would be time for us to go.  It wasn’t time to start saying goodbye yet.  I took it for granted that we would be back up and running before it was time for us to pack up and leave town.  Now it looks like that may not be the case.  Now it looks like we may have missed our chance to say goodbye.  But I wasn’t ready then.  I’m not ready now.  I still have seven weeks, well almost.  I should still be able to put off goodbyes for another few weeks.  But it’s all messed up.

I don’t want to close this chapter of my life without saying a proper goodbye.  I want another opportunity to see my people.  I want us to be together and do the thing we do – praise Jesus.  That’s what we do.  That’s how I want our goodbye to be.  That’s how it should be when the time comes.  Not now.  Not like this.

Because I’m not ready.

About Beautifully Polarized

Life is ever changing. God is working in me more everyday. He has blessed me with a husband who is my best friend in every aspect of life, and three children who teach me about life and love everyday. He has blessed me further with friends who help me get through the rough days, and laugh with me on the good days. And, I believe He gave me the best mom a girl could ask for. He has also given me trials so that I can grow into the person He intended me to be. Walking with Him makes life in this world bearable.

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