It was five AM and I was in the kitchen attempting to make homemade donuts.  I had found a recipe to make them in the air fryer, you know, so they would be healthy.  Whatever.  You see where this is going right?  This was clearly hypomania happening.  By 5:30, I was in the car on my way to the store for whole milk.

It didn’t last very long.  Not even the whole day.  In the days leading up to it, I had been severely depressed.  The kind of depressed where I would cry intermittently throughout the day, or I would hardly be able to get out of bed.  I was barely functioning, at least on the inside.  On the outside, things looked pretty normal, as they usually do.  I’m pretty good at hiding it by now.  But on the inside?  I felt like I was surely dying a slow death.

So I had the depressed days, and then I had the manic day, or part of it anyway.  After that, came the day of rage.  Something that shouldn’t have been a very big deal caused me to completely come unglued.  I lost it.  And the worst part is that I lost it with one of my children.  I’m not proud.  I’m embarrassed, to be honest.  I’m sad about it, too.

I’m sad that I don’t have a larger capacity to handle things when they don’t go just as they are supposed to go.  When things get slightly off-kilter, I many times unravel.  Then I go into my routine of the ‘I shoulds.’  I should be able to handle this.  I should be stronger than this.  I should be better by now…You get the idea.  I preach to my clients about the ‘I should’ trap, yet I do it myself.  I know better.

But I think more than being sad, I’m just tired.  I’m tired of the ups and downs.  I’m tired of feeling fine and then BAM it all changes in a flash.  Suddenly, I’m in some alternate mood state that completely takes over and I’m helpless to do anything about it.  I’m trapped inside it, using every ounce of restraint I have to keep it confined inside of me.  Sometimes the rest of the day is gone.  I don’t recover.  Other times, I do recover, but it can take hours before I feel ok again.

I have realized, though, that I have an immense amount of self-control.  My ability to contain these wild emotions is unbelievable.  Sometimes I let them out, but that’s only when I know it’s safe.  Usually, though, I keep them under wraps, even from my family.  I feel like I have to.  It’s better for everyone.  Well, it’s better for everyone else.  I don’t think it’s good for me to keep it all bottled up, though.  It keeps me tense and anxious.  I need to find a better way to release all of this pent up emotion that I carry around.  It isn’t fair to unleash it on unsuspecting bystanders.  I understand that.  But I can’t harbor it forever, either.

I don’t have the answer yet.  Maybe someday I will.

Now, about those donuts.  Well, they never happened.  The dough never rose because the yeast was dead.  So disappointing.

About Beautifully Polarized

Life is ever changing. God is working in me more everyday. He has blessed me with a husband who is my best friend in every aspect of life, and three children who teach me about life and love everyday. He has blessed me further with friends who help me get through the rough days, and laugh with me on the good days. And, I believe He gave me the best mom a girl could ask for. He has also given me trials so that I can grow into the person He intended me to be. Walking with Him makes life in this world bearable.

One response »

  1. Sing it girl, walk in the sunshine, love yourself, teach your children and others what to expect. You are fabulous! This is your gift.

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