I Will Be Undignified


I have something to say, and I hope you will stick around and listen.  I know it’s a topic that no one likes to talk about, but it’s important, and shouldn’t be ignored.  Suicide.

I’m working on writing my book, and so I have been combing through old blogs that I’ve written.  I have been absolutely heartbroken to read some of them because they were written from such a place of sorrow.  The woman who wrote those pieces was desperately suicidal.  She was hopeless and broken.

I am overwhelmed with emotion tonight as I contemplate how different things are for me now.  No longer am I in such a devastating place.  No longer do I wish for the end like she did.  I still struggle, and life is still difficult living with mental illness, but it isn’t like it was.

I feel so humbled because I know it was God who brought me out of it.  I know it was He who surrounded me with people who loved me and helped me through it.  It was He who took me in His arms and protected me from myself, time and time again.  Without Him, who knows?

What I do know is that I have been given a gift.  I have been given life renewed, and it is not something that I take for granted.  It is not something I intend to waste.  God saved me for a purpose, and I believe that purpose is to use my story to help others who are on a similar journey.  When I read the words I have written, I realize that I can speak to those who are hurting so desperately.  I can sit with them in their darkest moments and hold them close until the pain subsides.

Will it be hard?  Without a doubt.  Will it be worth it?  Absolutely.  Has God given me a difficult task?  I think so, but to whom much is given, much is required.  How much more could I be given than life itself?  How could I take all the pain and sorrow I have felt and lock it away so that no one can see the beauty in the life that is on the other end of it?  How could I rob God of that glory?  I can’t.

So, even though it’s undignified to talk about it, I will.  And even though it means I will have to be braver than I have ever been, and I will have to bare my darkest secrets, I will.  If it helps one scared young girl know she’s not alone, it’s worth it.  If one lonely mom makes it another day, it’s worth it.  Just one, and it’s worth it.

There are several blogs that I have kept locked behind passwords for a while, but I have now made them public.  They are at the top of my blog list.  I encourage you to take a few minutes to read them.  Share them.  If you know someone who is hurting, please send them my way.  I want to help.  I will share my story with them.  I will make sure they know they are loved, and they are not alone.

Thanks for reading.

About Beautifully Polarized

Life is ever changing. God is working in me more everyday. He has blessed me with a husband who is my best friend in every aspect of life, and three children who teach me about life and love everyday. He has blessed me further with friends who help me get through the rough days, and laugh with me on the good days. And, I believe He gave me the best mom a girl could ask for. He has also given me trials so that I can grow into the person He intended me to be. Walking with Him makes life in this world bearable.

4 responses »

  1. Your are indeed a very brave soul. It is appreciated by all that you can continue helping yourself AND so many others. Please continue your journey through life so others can follow you and your wonderful example as a Christian with the love of our God.

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