The Way

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Lately I’ve been questioning a little bit if I’m really on the right path.  I do this from time to time because it seems like maybe things aren’t going the way they should be.  I wonder if I’ve missed something along the way.  Well, things haven’t just been falling into place recently, so I have found myself in a place of doubt and confusion.

I have really been praying that God would prosper my career, that He would bring clients my way. It appeared in the last few days that things were really starting to move in the right direction. I was getting referrals, and previous clients began to call, wanting to come in again. I was seeing God’s work. I was seeing His faithfulness. But then, it seemed as if things began to unravel. Referrals didn’t lead to appointments. Calls and texts began to come in, each one with another cancellation. By week’s end, I had only held two appointments.

Two.

How can I function like this? How can I run a business when I’m only working with clients for two hours a week? I can’t. And what in the world is God doing? I asked for more, and he took away? I was so confused. So upset. Beside myself, really.

I know I’m supposed to be doing this. I know I’m supposed to be helping people. I know this. I haven’t gone through everything I’ve gone through, and fought my way back from the depths of hell to get where I am, just to fail. No. That’s not the answer.

So, what? What, God? What is Your plan? I know You have one. And I need to hear from You. I’m lost and I don’t know where to go from here. These are the questions I cried out to Him in a weak moment.

He immediately began to answer, first by telling me He would provide a way for the road ahead. He always provides a way for His will to be done. Why then, do I get anxious? This little reminder was enough to calm my spirit.

Quickly after, God provides something else to lift my spirits. This time, it was a note from a friend. She wrote about my transparency in my diagnosis and struggles with mental illness. She wrote of how I inspired her. I needed to hear those words in that exact moment, which is why I believe God had me find that message just then, even though it had been written for me in mid-December. I think God works this way at times. He withholds things until the timing is just right. I’ve experienced Him doing this with me countless times. It’s just part of His perfection.

I was not prepared for the next thing that happened. It was later in the day when I opened my FB messenger to find a message from an old friend. This was a message that was nothing shy of heart breaking as she revealed how mental illness has touched her family. She then went on to tell me how my openness with my own journey has helped her. Though this is not the first time I have received a message like this, today there was a deeper meaning with it. Today, God was really talking loudly through this friend of mine. Today, He was showing me that this is my path. This is the road He is paving for me. This is the way He will make for me to help others.

I have felt for a long time that using my story is part of what I’m supposed to do, but I think God may be telling me that it IS what I’m supposed to do. I still don’t know what that looks like. I still don’t know what that will entail, but I trust that He does. I trust that He has already made the way, and He will show me when the time is right.

About Beautifully Polarized

Life is ever changing. God is working in me more everyday. He has blessed me with a husband who is my best friend in every aspect of life, and three children who teach me about life and love everyday. He has blessed me further with friends who help me get through the rough days, and laugh with me on the good days. And, I believe He gave me the best mom a girl could ask for. He has also given me trials so that I can grow into the person He intended me to be. Walking with Him makes life in this world bearable.

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