I have something to say, and I hope you will stick around and listen.  I know it’s a topic that no one likes to talk about, but it’s important, and shouldn’t be ignored.  Suicide.

I’m working on writing my book, and so I have been combing through old blogs that I’ve written.  I have been absolutely heartbroken to read some of them because they were written from such a place of sorrow.  The woman who wrote those pieces was desperately suicidal.  She was hopeless and broken.

I am overwhelmed with emotion tonight as I contemplate how different things are for me now.  No longer am I in such a devastating place.  No longer do I wish for the end like she did.  I still struggle, and life is still difficult living with mental illness, but it isn’t like it was.

I feel so humbled because I know it was God who brought me out of it.  I know it was He who surrounded me with people who loved me and helped me through it.  It was He who took me in His arms and protected me from myself, time and time again.  Without Him, who knows?

What I do know is that I have been given a gift.  I have been given life renewed, and it is not something that I take for granted.  It is not something I intend to waste.  God saved me for a purpose, and I believe that purpose is to use my story to help others who are on a similar journey.  When I read the words I have written, I realize that I can speak to those who are hurting so desperately.  I can sit with them in their darkest moments and hold them close until the pain subsides.

Will it be hard?  Without a doubt.  Will it be worth it?  Absolutely.  Has God given me a difficult task?  I think so, but to whom much is given, much is required.  How much more could I be given than life itself?  How could I take all the pain and sorrow I have felt and lock it away so that no one can see the beauty in the life that is on the other end of it?  How could I rob God of that glory?  I can’t.

So, even though it’s undignified to talk about it, I will.  And even though it means I will have to be braver than I have ever been, and I will have to bare my darkest secrets, I will.  If it helps one scared young girl know she’s not alone, it’s worth it.  If one lonely mom makes it another day, it’s worth it.  Just one, and it’s worth it.

There are several blogs that I have kept locked behind passwords for a while, but I have now made them public.  They are at the top of my blog list.  I encourage you to take a few minutes to read them.  Share them.  If you know someone who is hurting, please send them my way.  I want to help.  I will share my story with them.  I will make sure they know they are loved, and they are not alone.

Thanks for reading.

I must be in a mood today because I normally wouldn’t be so blunt as to say what I’m about to say.  I normally would just smile sweetly as I stifle whatever crazy emotion it is that I’m trying to hide.  But right now I am going to tell you the truth.

I do those things for you.  I do them for your comfort, not mine.  I keep calm and behave like a ‘normal’ person so that you aren’t uncomfortable when I’m around.  Let’s face it.  You wouldn’t know what to do with me if I was acting erratic.  You wouldn’t know what to do if I was crying hysterically or bouncing all over the room.  My guess is you would do one of two things.  You would either disappear, or you would decide that I needed some help, because God forbid that I behave in such a way.  Heaven help us if anyone steps outside the box and misbehaves.

So, to save you from that discomfort, I conform.  I hide my discomfort.  I hide my tears.  I hide my energy.  I fake smiles and laughs for you.  I feign interest in conversations when the last thing I want is to be talking to you.  And it isn’t because I don’t like you, because I do.  We are friends, and I adore you.  I really do.

It’s just that my moods don’t always care about when it’s time to socialize and when it’s not.  My moods dictate how I feel a lot of the time, and I’m constantly battling them.  It’s exhausting, and sometimes I just don’t have the energy to do it anymore.  In fact, most of the time I don’t have the energy.  At least, I don’t feel like I do.  But somehow, I find just enough within me to hold myself together so that you don’t know what’s going on inside of me.  I do this because I care about you.  I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.  I don’t want you to be scared of me, either.

So I pretend.

I’m actually a really good actress, if you think about it.  I walk around on my own stage most of the time.  If you pay really close attention, you’ll see me slip up, though.  You’ll see through the cracks in my performance.  So, if you really want to see the real me, pay closer attention.  I’m in there, hiding behind the smiles, laughs, head nods, and ‘I’m doing fine’ lies that I tell you.  If you catch me in a vulnerable moment, I may even let you in just a little bit.  Who knows.

But mostly, I will protect you and keep you comfortable.

Lately I’ve been questioning a little bit if I’m really on the right path.  I do this from time to time because it seems like maybe things aren’t going the way they should be.  I wonder if I’ve missed something along the way.  Well, things haven’t just been falling into place recently, so I have found myself in a place of doubt and confusion.

I have really been praying that God would prosper my career, that He would bring clients my way. It appeared in the last few days that things were really starting to move in the right direction. I was getting referrals, and previous clients began to call, wanting to come in again. I was seeing God’s work. I was seeing His faithfulness. But then, it seemed as if things began to unravel. Referrals didn’t lead to appointments. Calls and texts began to come in, each one with another cancellation. By week’s end, I had only held two appointments.

Two.

How can I function like this? How can I run a business when I’m only working with clients for two hours a week? I can’t. And what in the world is God doing? I asked for more, and he took away? I was so confused. So upset. Beside myself, really.

I know I’m supposed to be doing this. I know I’m supposed to be helping people. I know this. I haven’t gone through everything I’ve gone through, and fought my way back from the depths of hell to get where I am, just to fail. No. That’s not the answer.

So, what? What, God? What is Your plan? I know You have one. And I need to hear from You. I’m lost and I don’t know where to go from here. These are the questions I cried out to Him in a weak moment.

He immediately began to answer, first by telling me He would provide a way for the road ahead. He always provides a way for His will to be done. Why then, do I get anxious? This little reminder was enough to calm my spirit.

Quickly after, God provides something else to lift my spirits. This time, it was a note from a friend. She wrote about my transparency in my diagnosis and struggles with mental illness. She wrote of how I inspired her. I needed to hear those words in that exact moment, which is why I believe God had me find that message just then, even though it had been written for me in mid-December. I think God works this way at times. He withholds things until the timing is just right. I’ve experienced Him doing this with me countless times. It’s just part of His perfection.

I was not prepared for the next thing that happened. It was later in the day when I opened my FB messenger to find a message from an old friend. This was a message that was nothing shy of heart breaking as she revealed how mental illness has touched her family. She then went on to tell me how my openness with my own journey has helped her. Though this is not the first time I have received a message like this, today there was a deeper meaning with it. Today, God was really talking loudly through this friend of mine. Today, He was showing me that this is my path. This is the road He is paving for me. This is the way He will make for me to help others.

I have felt for a long time that using my story is part of what I’m supposed to do, but I think God may be telling me that it IS what I’m supposed to do. I still don’t know what that looks like. I still don’t know what that will entail, but I trust that He does. I trust that He has already made the way, and He will show me when the time is right.