There are things that I don’t understand – like what the hell happened to my life, for one. Once upon a time, I was ok. I had my issues, but they weren’t terrible. I was ok. But now, I wonder if I will ever really be able to say that again. I feel like maybe not. Today is tough. Today, I’m tearful. Anxiety is high, and I’m scared of what the future holds. I can feel my insides shaking as I think about it. I know I have to deal with it, but all I really want to do is ignore it. Can’t I just ignore it? Can’t I just curl up in a ball, hide in the dark, take some pills, sleep it away? Because it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be ok. It doesn’t feel like it’s going to get better. It feels bad. Very bad.
It feels too overwhelming – like everything is spinning out of control. You know in movies when things start coming at the main character faster and faster? It gets louder, blurry, the camera angles start spinning, voices start to overlap more quickly, and before you know it, nothing makes sense? That’s how it feels. Life, hitting me at warp speed – not caring that I don’t do warp speed anymore.
I do slow motion.
So how exactly am I supposed to do this? I tried to sit down and make lists today. I tried to make sense of things. I couldn’t. I didn’t even know where to start. My brain revolted. So, if I can’t even think about the next steps, how can I plan for them, and then how can I actually carry them out? I have no idea. All I know is that I want to run. I want to run away and hide from all of this. And I want to curl up tight and rock back and forth with my eyes closed until it all goes away.
Oh, how I wish that would work.
When did this happen to me? And how? And why? I don’t understand. Didn’t it used to be simple? Just depression. Right? When did it turn into this beast that can’t be tamed? And why, WHY haven’t we found something to make it better?
Maybe I’m just too sensitive to it all. Maybe. I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t have enough minutes in any given day when I feel genuinely good or happy to actually tell you that I feel good or happy. And I don’t remember when it was that I did.
And that is sad.
And you know what else is sad? I’m supposed to have all this shit together. I’m the one teaching other people how to get their shit together. I sit in my chair as they all look on from their seat in the circle, and I tell them how to not freak out – just like I am freaking out right now. I am doing just what I teach them not to do. What a crock of crap! I feel like a fraud. Who am I to teach them anything when I am a complete mess behind the scenes? This is insane.
You want to know the truth? I’m tired of all this. I’m burnt out. I want to give up and not care anymore. I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of putting one foot in front of the other, and taking deep breaths, and being mindful. I’m tired of it. That’s the truth.
Things could be so. much. worse. So much worse. I know this. I’ve been there. I know. But this is no picnic, either. I want easy. Where’s my easy button?
I don’t usually just sit down and furiously type as my anger and frustration pours out, but today I decided to just see what would happen. Well, what happened was a whole bunch of rambling, but I’m going to leave it as is, because it’s real. What lies underneath is fear. I’ve spent the last three years trying to pick up the pieces of my life as if they were a puzzle, and put them back together in some new kind of way that makes sense. And just when the picture seems like it might be coming into focus, I realize that I have to pick up the new puzzle and move it to a brand new place.
Have you ever picked up an unfinished puzzle? Do you know what happens? Well, many of the pieces break apart, and you have to spend time putting them back together again. Not only will some of my pieces need to be replaced, but the ones that have yet to be put together will now look completely different. And some of the ones that will fall off will be gone for good, and will have to be replaced with new pieces altogether.
And all of this freaks me out. And I’m just putting all my effort into not panicking.
And today, I think that’s all I can do.