My world is breaking me, Your love is shaping me
And now the enemy is afraid of what You’re making me
And as I fall apart
Come flood this desert heart
Fall like the rain, Living Water
And I know Your way is best
Lord, help me find my rest
And I’ll be the clay
In the Hands of the Potter
(Hands of the Potter, Casting Crowns)
These lyrics spilled over me this morning as I was getting myself ready for the day ahead. And I just broke. Granted, I was already feeling cracked and fragile, as is usual these days, but still, I broke. My world is breaking me. Everything is spinning out of control. I mean I literally feel like I am spinning. I am going in circles, just grasping at the things around me, but they are spinning even faster, so that I can’t grab hold of anything long enough to make any sense of it.
The next year holds so many changes, which means lots of decisions will need to be made. And normally, I would be excited about this. I would be embracing a fresh, new start. I would be looking forward to new beginnings, especially since this place has been so tough. But this time? I don’t know. I just don’t want to deal with it. I want to ignore it because it’s a bit too much. It’s all a lot too much. We have so much more to consider. We have so many more options. This time, no one is telling us where we have to go – or ever if we have to go. Do we go, or do we stay?
What’s best for me? My career – license, supervisor, job; my health – stability, treatment team. Do I want to start over? Can I? I don’t know. What’s best for Aero? Stay here and continue at Woodlawn? Stay here and homeschool? Move and homeschool? Move and find a new school? Public school? Private school? Big school? Small school? Where? Which district? Where are the good schools for him? How will he do with a new therapist?
If we stay here, should I stick with Kelly? Is that really a good idea at this point? Is the writing on the wall? Is she really about to crack? It appears so. But if we are about to leave, I feel like I should just ride out the storm.
If we move, where do we go? What town? Do we buy or rent? If we buy, do we buy new or resale? Do we push for mom to live with us, or not? How much do we spend on a house? We don’t know what our finances will look like.
What about Austin? Do we let him go to UWF? He wants go to there because of a girl. Do we let him do that? That seems ridiculous, but do we push the issue? Do I even want to fight that fight right now? I don’t think so. I don’t think I have it in me. Will it disappoint me? Yes, probably. But… Still, moving to Texas and being closer to Amber will be nice, even if Austin is still here. At least we know plenty of people here.
And what about my health stuff? My medications seem to be constantly screwed up. Something is always just off enough that I feel bad in some way or another. Take now, for instance. I don’t feel great. I am anxious much of the time. I feel intermittently restless or tired. Sometimes I feel fine, even. Other times I feel so overwhelmed that I don’t want to wake up the next day because I don’t think I can handle life anymore. It all feels like it’s too much. And then I feel fine again for a little while. When it feels like it’s too much, I think I need to make changes. When I feel fine, I think I should leave well enough alone, because after all, another med change will merely upset the apple cart again, and will inevitably just bring its own set of negatives, so what’s the point? And if we make changes, what do we change? Which medicine do we change? Do we change the dose or do we completely go to a different medication altogether? And do we get rid of one of the medications, or keep one the same and change the other? See how confusing it is? There are too many variables. I don’t want to go through anymore changes. It’s just easier to deal with the bad that I have now. At least I think it is. Until it isn’t. Until I cry myself to sleep because I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.
And then there is all the stuff at home. And then there is trying to deal with Amber while she is at school. And then there is forever being behind on paperwork. And then there is trying to deal with helping Aero not drown in middle school. It’s all too much. Taking care of myself is too much all by itself. Husband, kids, career, move. Too much. I’m drowning. My world is breaking me. And I feel like I am failing in every way possible.
Every day, I do the bare minimum. I do only what I have to, and sometimes I don’t even do that. But there is no joy in any of it. I thought there would be joy. I really did. I thought by now there would be joy. Who wants to get up every day, go through the motions in some various state of exhaustion, and just manage to get by? I don’t. I don’t know how long I can keep doing this.
I wonder how long God will have me do this. My faith is very strong. I have never doubted that God has a plan for me, and that His plan is good. Is it selfish, though, to wish that it included some respite and some joy? Because, although things are not nearly as bad as they have been, I am worn down, and it doesn’t take as much to bring me to a breaking point as it used to. All it takes sometimes is a long, tiring day to bring me to my knees. That’s enough of a reminder that weariness is always just around the corner. And weariness leaves me with little fight.