When emotions run deep, I have passion.  I have drive.  I have ambition to do big things, to use what I know, and what I have lived, to help people.  When emotions run deep.

But when they don’t?  I’m uninspired.  I have no drive for big things.  Not for writing.  Not for books.  Not for using my story for good.  No passion.  In fact, I feel just the opposite.  I feel apathetic about having any goals.  I have no interest in it.  No desire.

At the same time that I feel apathy, I wish I felt passion.  There are so many things I want to write about, but without a strong connection with my emotions, I can’t.  I cannot write.  I have nothing to say.  My mind is blank.  It’s just empty.  When I try to push through anyway, the lack of inspiration and passion is evident in my writing.  It’s flat.  It’s boring.  It’s a waste of my time.

This muted emotional state just doesn’t feel like me.  It doesn’t feel authentic to not feel things.  I feel like I’m not really living, like I’m missing out on truly experiencing life.  I feel separated from relationships.  I feel separated from God.  I want to have meaningful experiences, but I can’t.  I connect with the world through emotions, so when they are gone, or at least severely inhibited, I am disconnected.  Separate.  Apart.  Alone.

What am I to do about it?  I don’t know.  The medications are meant to keep me steady, and they are.  It’s taken a long time to land on a combination of meds that is effective, so changing it is risky business.  But I’m not sure that I want to feel this way permanently.

The ups and downs are hard.  The extreme lows are really hard.  But still, it feels authentic.  Is it weird that I miss it?  Is it possible to have the ability to feel that deeply without being in anguish?  I don’t know.  For some people, I’m sure it is.  But for me?  I don’t know.  Truth is, I think as long as I have to rely on chemicals to be healthy, there will always be a part of me that doesn’t feel quite right.