When emotions run deep, I have passion.  I have drive.  I have ambition to do big things, to use what I know, and what I have lived, to help people.  When emotions run deep.

But when they don’t?  I’m uninspired.  I have no drive for big things.  Not for writing.  Not for books.  Not for using my story for good.  No passion.  In fact, I feel just the opposite.  I feel apathetic about having any goals.  I have no interest in it.  No desire.

At the same time that I feel apathy, I wish I felt passion.  There are so many things I want to write about, but without a strong connection with my emotions, I can’t.  I cannot write.  I have nothing to say.  My mind is blank.  It’s just empty.  When I try to push through anyway, the lack of inspiration and passion is evident in my writing.  It’s flat.  It’s boring.  It’s a waste of my time.

This muted emotional state just doesn’t feel like me.  It doesn’t feel authentic to not feel things.  I feel like I’m not really living, like I’m missing out on truly experiencing life.  I feel separated from relationships.  I feel separated from God.  I want to have meaningful experiences, but I can’t.  I connect with the world through emotions, so when they are gone, or at least severely inhibited, I am disconnected.  Separate.  Apart.  Alone.

What am I to do about it?  I don’t know.  The medications are meant to keep me steady, and they are.  It’s taken a long time to land on a combination of meds that is effective, so changing it is risky business.  But I’m not sure that I want to feel this way permanently.

The ups and downs are hard.  The extreme lows are really hard.  But still, it feels authentic.  Is it weird that I miss it?  Is it possible to have the ability to feel that deeply without being in anguish?  I don’t know.  For some people, I’m sure it is.  But for me?  I don’t know.  Truth is, I think as long as I have to rely on chemicals to be healthy, there will always be a part of me that doesn’t feel quite right.

About Beautifully Polarized

Life is ever changing. God is working in me more everyday. He has blessed me with a husband who is my best friend in every aspect of life, and three children who teach me about life and love everyday. He has blessed me further with friends who help me get through the rough days, and laugh with me on the good days. And, I believe He gave me the best mom a girl could ask for. He has also given me trials so that I can grow into the person He intended me to be. Walking with Him makes life in this world bearable.

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