When emotions run deep, I have passion. I have drive. I have ambition to do big things, to use what I know, and what I have lived, to help people. When emotions run deep.
But when they don’t? I’m uninspired. I have no drive for big things. Not for writing. Not for books. Not for using my story for good. No passion. In fact, I feel just the opposite. I feel apathetic about having any goals. I have no interest in it. No desire.
At the same time that I feel apathy, I wish I felt passion. There are so many things I want to write about, but without a strong connection with my emotions, I can’t. I cannot write. I have nothing to say. My mind is blank. It’s just empty. When I try to push through anyway, the lack of inspiration and passion is evident in my writing. It’s flat. It’s boring. It’s a waste of my time.
This muted emotional state just doesn’t feel like me. It doesn’t feel authentic to not feel things. I feel like I’m not really living, like I’m missing out on truly experiencing life. I feel separated from relationships. I feel separated from God. I want to have meaningful experiences, but I can’t. I connect with the world through emotions, so when they are gone, or at least severely inhibited, I am disconnected. Separate. Apart. Alone.
What am I to do about it? I don’t know. The medications are meant to keep me steady, and they are. It’s taken a long time to land on a combination of meds that is effective, so changing it is risky business. But I’m not sure that I want to feel this way permanently.
The ups and downs are hard. The extreme lows are really hard. But still, it feels authentic. Is it weird that I miss it? Is it possible to have the ability to feel that deeply without being in anguish? I don’t know. For some people, I’m sure it is. But for me? I don’t know. Truth is, I think as long as I have to rely on chemicals to be healthy, there will always be a part of me that doesn’t feel quite right.