Open Up Your Eyes

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For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
Where no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life
Just open up your eyes, eyes
There is just something about this song (Open Up Your Eyes – Daughtry).  This will be the third time I’ve written about it.  Seems like something new is always grabbing my attention, and my heart.  The last time I wrote about it, I was focused on the loved one who was left behind.  But this time?  I’m spellbound by the lyrics, “See the world without your sorrow, where no one knows the pain you left behind, and all the peace you could never find.”
 Seeing through sorrow.  Hidden pain.  Peace never found.
This steals my breath.
I don’t know how to make it through life, never able to leave sorrow behind to find peace.  When depression sets in, it feels like I might not make it through the day.  So a lifetime?  How?  I can’t even really form a complete thought about that.
Live the rest of my life in sorrow and pain – and without peace?  No, thanks.
Seeing the world through sorrow-tinted glasses is dark and heavy.  This is the thing that keeps me from seeing beauty in the world.  It keeps me from laughing.  It is the dark cloud that so many speak of when they feebly attempt to describe depression.  It’s a thick blanket that seeks to suffocate.  Seeing the world through this lens is devastating.
The hidden pain is hard.  It’s hidden because it can’t be seen, but it’s also hidden because sometimes I choose to hide it.  Sometimes it’s easier to hide it than to let it show.  Sometimes it hurts so bad to keep it hidden, but I know the alternative will be even more painful.  Sometimes I know this because I’ve already been shown that it’s not ok to bring it to the light.  But when it stays hidden, the pain becomes physical.  The brokenness of the heart permeates into the body, devouring every part.  The heaviness in my chest, the ache in my head, the churning of my stomach, the weakness of my limbs.  The crying.  The shaking.  The numbness.  It’s all painful.
But here is the one that threatens everything – peace never found.  Never?  I have this picture in my mind of dark figures thrashing about, unable to escape their torment.  They can’t wrestle their way out of it.  They can’t unlock the chains.  No amount of begging and pleading will release them from the grip of their tormentor.  So it is with this mental illness thing.  For me, it’s a constant battle in my mind.  Who will win today?  The sorrow and pain of depression, or the frantic and anxious pace of mania?  Or will it be one of the savory days when all is calm?  The calm feels like a facade most of the time.  It’s merely the calm before the next storm.  Or so it feels.  Unrest.  My mind is in a constant state of unrest.  Peace is never found.  But I keep telling myself that things will get better.  It won’t always be this way.  But what if it doesn’t?  What if I am meant to spend my life without peace?  What would I do?
Well, I would endure it.  I would endure it because inflicting pain on my four is more painful than living with my own.  The thought of the pain and sorrow, anger and confusion they would carry is too much.  I would choose to spend everyday of the rest of my life living with this lens of sorrow, this hidden pain, this absence of peace if that was my shield to protect them  And not just the four.  There are others, too.  The effects would be far-reaching – more so than I realize, I would imagine.
But herein lies the problem – right now, in this moment, I can say with all sincerity that I will endure my pain as long as I have to so that they won’t be introduced to their worst pain at my hands.  But there are moments when all rationality is gone.  There are moments when nothing else matters but making it stop.  There are moments when the only thing to do is to escape it.  But how?  Pills?  Drink?  Sex?  Or worse?
Opening up my eyes to a world without pain and sorrow sounds glorious.  And one day I will.  I have that hope.  I have that promise.  I just have to hang on until that day comes.

About Beautifully Polarized

Life is ever changing. God is working in me more everyday. He has blessed me with a husband who is my best friend in every aspect of life, and three children who teach me about life and love everyday. He has blessed me further with friends who help me get through the rough days, and laugh with me on the good days. And, I believe He gave me the best mom a girl could ask for. He has also given me trials so that I can grow into the person He intended me to be. Walking with Him makes life in this world bearable.

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