Another wave rolled in and knocked me down as the water rushed under my feet. As the water engulfs me, I hold my breath, as I struggle to come up for air.
When these waves hit me, I feel trapped. Trapped inside a mind that can’t be healed. I’m imprisoned by this thing that torments me. No amount of work on my part will take it away. I am powerless to defeat it. All I can do is attempt to stay ahead of it. Constantly running, looking over my shoulder to see if it’s catching up to me.
When the gap between us widens, I get lost in a sense of euphoria and safety. I slow down and sometimes stop running altogether. I experience genuine laughter and joy. And peace. And full, deep breaths. But then it sneaks in and catches me off guard.
As I wrestle the beast, I feel the euphoria and safety and all the goodness that came with it drain from me as if it were never there. I grasp at it and try with everything I have to hold onto it, but I am unsuccessful.
It came and went so quickly, the peace. Was it even real, or was it just a figment? I can’t recover the reality of it, and it becomes a falsity conjured in my mind to escape the brutality of the thing that brings the blanket of darkness.
And then I feel numb. The numbness dulls the pain. For the next undetermined length of time, I oscillate between the pain and numbness. I trudge through the days, willing myself to keep going. Not really living. Only just making it to the end of the day, and the beginning of the next. Rinse and repeat.
And then, as if like magic, the pain disappears and the euphoria is back…and so it goes…
Looking at it from outside myself, I can see the strength in this person who doesn’t give up. I see the resolve in her eyes, as she wipes away the tears, to remain steadfast for the three souls who came from her. And for the one who chose her and stands unfailingly by her side. She is fierce, unwavering, and powerful. Yes, I see strength.
But from the inside, I feel weak. Tired and desperate. I question how I will make it through this wave. Each one feels like a tsunami, rushing in and sweeping me away. Why can’t I be bigger than this thing? Why aren’t my efforts enough to destroy its powerful grip? If I’m strong, shouldn’t I be past this already? No, I don’t feel strong. I feel weak.
I do know the truth of it all. I know it’s beyond me. I know my role is to stay on track with my plan and to cope the best I can when the moment calls for it. I know these things. I understand them. I abide by them.
I just wish the knowledge of truth drove out the reality of the beast…