I recently expressed to some friends that I was truly dreading my next birthday, as the big 4-0 looms ever so close.  When I think about being forty, it takes my breath away for a moment.  But it’s not for the reasons you may think.

I really don’t care much about getting older.  The wrinkles.  The grey hair.  The slower metabolism, aches and pains, forgetfulness…all of that.  I mean, these things aren’t great, but they don’t really bother me.

In fact, as I grow older, so do my children.  I love seeing the young adults they are turning into.  I’m excited to see what comes of their futures.  I look forward to grandchildren…someday!  And, retirement from the military is just around the corner.  Hallelujah!!!!

So, good things come with getting older.

But…

I’m overwhelmed with thoughts that I’ve done nothing with my life.  I know this isn’t true.  I know these are lies from the devil.  I know I’ve been doing important things at home – raising children, and supporting my husband.  I know these things.  Yet, I still struggle.

The world’s standards tell us if we don’t have a fulfilling career that we aren’t successful.  When I meet new people and they ask me what I do, I don’t know what to say.  It isn’t that I don’t do things.  I do TONS of things.  I’m always busy.  But I don’t have a career.  I don’t even have a job.  I don’t have an office.  I don’t have a desk.  I don’t have a work number, email address, or business card.

One day it will be my time to go out and work.  While I’m excitedly looking forward to that, I’m also scared to death.  I fear that I will be laughed at for being so old and not having any working experience.  I envision being asked what I’ve done with my life.  I envision my resume going into the trash before I even have a chance at the job.  It’s terrifying, really.

So, yeah…40 is daunting.  And I’m totally freaked out about it.

As the big day approaches, I just keep holding onto the truth that God loves me, and that what I’ve done in life has been important.  I don’t need a fancy title and a paycheck to provide worth to my life.  I’ll keep reminding myself of these things everyday until it finally sinks in.