Do you ever just feel the weight of your own sin? Does the heaviness of it just loom in the air you breathe. Does it just sit there, suffocating, waiting for you to acknowledge your brokenness?
I feel this.
Sometimes life has a way of just happening. It feels out of control. If feels as if everything is crumbling around you, and you have no idea why. It comes at you from every direction, and you feel like you are reliving the same nightmare over and over again. And you can’t figure it out.
When this happens to me, I usually take a step back and really examine myself and my actions. Am I causing all this? Did I say the wrong thing? Did I make a mistake? Because when I’m the common denominator, I have to be willing to admit that I might be the problem – or at least part of it.
But the thing is, and I’m being blatantly honest here, I just don’t see it. I don’t see how it’s my fault. I don’t see that I did anything wrong. I don’t see that I said anything I shouldn’t have said, or behaved in a way that was less than Christian. I’m not saying at all that I haven’t been wrong, I’m simply saying that I don’t see it.
So where does that leave me?
Well, it leaves me confused, mostly. But it also leaves wanting to be a better person. It drives me to become a better version of who I am. It leaves on my knees praying to God to mold me into something more beautiful.
It’s a scary thing to ask God to help you become a better person. Because He will. And it’s probably going to be painful. I’m learning that when I want to push for understanding, or scream in anger He wants me to practice self control, gentleness, kindness. He wants me to put my flesh aside and submit to His way of doing things. OUCH!
Human nature is strong, friends. No matter how ‘good’ I am, my human nature will always vie for control. I will always fight against it. It will always be a choice to do what He would want vs. what would satisfy my human desire. But what I know is that when I do choose to follow God’s words, and handle situations the way He would, the outcome is always better. It’s always better. My way is no good. So even if I’m justified in the things I’ve said and done, it still may be wrong in the eyes of God. Even if I don’t see it, He does.
I’m still learning this lesson. It’s tough. My prayer is that it will become easier as time goes on, and my sinful human nature will become weaker as my desire to please God grows stronger.