Soul Searching

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I have a fun weekend ahead of me, and it couldn’t come at a better time!  I need a break!  This week, though, has been a crazy whirlwind of busyness as I work to get everything ready before I leave.  Today is my last day to get things squared away, but I’m just not feeling great today, so I’m moving a little slower than I would like.

Sometimes, I feel like God puts roadblocks in our paths to get us to slow down and listen to Him.  Today’s road block: tummy trouble.  Ugh.

The truth is, I’m thankful for the interruption.  I’m thankful for the reminder that I need to slow down and listen.  For the last several days, I’ve been doing some serious soul searching about the kind of person that I am vs. the kind of person I want to be, or more importantly, the kind of person God wants me to be.

I’ve always thought of myself as being a great friend to others.  I’ve always tried my best to be kind, loving, supportive, gracious, forgiving, etc.  Until recently, I’ve felt that I was doing a pretty good job at being all these things to my friends.  Lately, though, I’ve been faced with some struggles that I don’t really understand, so it’s caused me to take a good look at myself to figure out if I really am all those things to other people.  Maybe I’m not.

Maybe I’m too quick to anger.  Maybe I’m not gracious.  Maybe I’m selfish.  Maybe I’m too sensitive.  (Ok, there is no maybe on that one…I’m absolutely too sensitive!).  Maybe I’m not the friend I thought I was.

Or maybe I am.

I’ve always been one to doubt myself.  I’m the first to wonder if it was my child who made the mess or broke the toy.  I’m the first to think it’s my fault if the group sings flat.  I assume that my talents aren’t strong enough to really be worth anything.  I wonder if people really like me.  And the list could go on…

Because I doubt myself, when someone disagrees with me, or just doesn’t see things the way I see them, I begin to wonder if my way of thinking is wrong, or inferior.  I begin to feel like there must be something wrong with me if my way of thinking is so confusing or unpopular.  Hmm.

That’s a terrible way to live!

Just as I believe God gives us opportunities to slow down, I believe He communicates with us on a daily basis.  His words are subtle much of the time so we really have to be listening in order to hear them.  In the last several days, I’ve read or heard a few things that point to the fact that God made each and every one of us uniquely, just as He wanted us to be.  He created me to be me.  He does not want me to be just like anyone else.  He designed me to fulfill a purpose, and He equipped me with everything I would need to do so.

He created me to be me.

I know my heart.  He knows my heart.  That’s really all that matters.  As long as I’m continually striving to be who He wants me to be, everything else will fall into place.  I can be confident in the person I am because He created me.

In being me, I have to be true to myself.  I have to know when to speak up, and when to be silent.  I have to pay attention to the Spirit guiding me in being the best version of myself that I can be.  I firmly believe that if I’m seeking Him, God will show me how to be faithful to who I am, but at the same time be the friend that I want to be.

This is tough stuff!  I may have to read this blog a million times to remind myself of these things!  What can I say?  I’m a work in progress!

About Beautifully Polarized

Life is ever changing. God is working in me more everyday. He has blessed me with a husband who is my best friend in every aspect of life, and three children who teach me about life and love everyday. He has blessed me further with friends who help me get through the rough days, and laugh with me on the good days. And, I believe He gave me the best mom a girl could ask for. He has also given me trials so that I can grow into the person He intended me to be. Walking with Him makes life in this world bearable.

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