A Long Journey.


I’ve been on a journey to find a healthier, happier me for about 18 months.  It’s been a roller coaster ride, for sure!  There are days when I feel like I’m making significant progress, and days when I feel like I’m back to square one.  Up and down.  Up and down.

One thing I’m learning is that mental health is very misunderstood.  Even my psychiatrist jokingly said to me that they really don’t know what they are doing when they prescribe medications!  HA!  It’s all a big science experiment filled with lots of trial and error.


I think the general population either thinks that mental health issues are not real, or that a simple pill will solve everything.  If you happen to be one that feels this way, I must respectfully disagree with you!

In the last 18 months, I’ve seen a counselor and a psychiatrist, and I’ve cycled through multiple medications trying to find one that works for me.  It’s been a painful process, to say the least.  Medications can do crazy things to a person.  I’ve experienced extreme moodiness, unexplainable anger, depression episodes that were far worse than without the medication, insomnia, high levels of anxiety, major intestinal issues, shaky hands, pounding heart, restlessness, etc.

Some of these things have caused problems for me with friends and family.  I’ve acted in ways that are absolutely not me.  I’ve hurt people.  I’ve been more sensitive and easily hurt by others.  I’ve not been the mom, wife, or friend that I typically am.  I basically have no control over myself at times.  It’s very scary.

My daily cocktail of pills is pretty impressive right now, so it’s no wonder that my emotions and actions are all over the board.  For every negative side effect, there is another pill thrown at me.  While I’m very cautious in taking new medications, it seems that inevitably I need them.  Ugh.  I really hate taking pills!

I think my point to all of this is that there is no quick fix when it comes to mental health.  There is no perfect solution.  Basically, it’s a constant trade-off in which you have to decide if the benefits outweigh the negatives.  Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t.

If you love someone who is struggling with depression or anxiety, or any other mental health issue, you are in a tough spot.  You will be asked to accept things you can’t understand.  You will be asked to pick up the pieces when you shouldn’t have to.  You will be asked to forgive over and over again when you are treated unfairly.  You will be asked to bear burdens that aren’t yours to bear.  You will be asked to show grace more than you want to.

If you can find it within yourself to do these things, you will become a rock to a person who desperately needs you.  You will become a pillar of strength for the weak.  You will be the hands and feet of Jesus.  You will find blessings you probably didn’t know you could find.  You will be loved more than you can imagine.

I’ve always thought of myself as being very strong – until the last couple of years.  I’ve finally had to slow down and admit that things just aren’t right, and seek the help that I need.  I’ve had to allow myself time to rest and heal.  I’ve had to allow others to take care of me.  It’s been extremely humbling.  It isn’t easy for me to ask for help, or admit defeat, but it’s been rewarding at the same time.  It’s shown me how much certain people love me.  It’s shown me that it’s ok to receive sometimes, even when I’d rather be giving.

I’m on a journey.  Though it’s painful at times, it’s worth it.  I will find resolution.  I will find healing.  I will find joy, peace, and happiness.  To those of you who have chosen to journey with me, thank you.  I love you!

About Beautifully Polarized

Life is ever changing. God is working in me more everyday. He has blessed me with a husband who is my best friend in every aspect of life, and three children who teach me about life and love everyday. He has blessed me further with friends who help me get through the rough days, and laugh with me on the good days. And, I believe He gave me the best mom a girl could ask for. He has also given me trials so that I can grow into the person He intended me to be. Walking with Him makes life in this world bearable.

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