I decided this morning that I wanted to get some new music to listen to while I baked.  I pulled up the iTunes store with no clear idea of what I was really looking for.  Ultimately, I chose Kari Jobe’s Majestic album.  I only know a couple of songs on it, but I like her, so I figured it was a good choice.  After just a few songs, I knew why I had chosen it.  It seemed God had a message for me inside.

Always Enough by Kari Jobe

I lift my hands to the highest of all

As I draw near
Surrender my life to Your promise, oh God
There is no other

I will find my life in You
You’re always enough
Always enough
Let the fullness of Your love
Be all I need
All I need

Consume me, come like a fire, oh God
Reign in me
For You alone will satisfy
There is no other
If I have You, I have everything
But without You, I have nothing

Lately, I’ve been learning to depend more and more on God, and less on people.  I love my friends and family, and I certainly want to have deep, meaningful relationships with them, but I find that I can easily put too much emphasis on their actions or opinions.  It isn’t healthy.

Today began as one of those days where I replayed something over and over in my mind trying to figure it out – trying to understand what motivates people’s words and actions.  The more I thought about it, the worse I felt.  Truth is, it doesn’t matter what someone else thinks of me, so I don’t need to spend anymore time trying to figure it out!

What matters is that God loves me.  God thinks highly of me.  He cares for me, and protects me.  He is the only one I need to please.  If He is pleased with me, then nothing else matters.  He is enough.  He is Always Enough.

I went to see my counselor today.  If I haven’t mentioned it before, I love her!  She gave me great perspective on a few things, and she offered several nuggets of wisdom.  After leaving her office, I felt much better about things.  I know I have a long road ahead of me, and that overcoming the issues that keep causing me so much pain will not be easy, but I know what I have to do.

In the meantime, I’m ever thankful for those of you who faithfully pray for me and lift me up every time I ask.  I know I ask often these days.  Know that I pray for you just as often as I ask for you to pray for me.  Though sometimes I am full of doubt about this stage of my life, deep down I know that I am blessed beyond measure with the people God has placed in my life.  So many times you have been like Jesus to me, and I can never thank you enough.

In spite of my dislike for public speaking, I volunteered to speak to our youth group a few days ago about what worship means to me.  Since I communicate better in writing (and because speaking in public is terrifying!), I wrote what I wanted to say, and then read it to them.  Here’s what I shared with the teens:

Think about how you feel when you have a new boyfriend/girlfriend, or even when you just have a crush on someone.  You want to spend all your time with that person.  You think about them all the time.  You’re happy when you’ve spent time with them.

That’s how I feel about spending time with God.  I have this unquenchable desire to be with Him everyday.  It brings me joy and peace to spend time with Him.  You all know that I love to sing, so you might also guess that music speaks to me more than any other form of worship.  My favorite way to be with God is singing to Him.

Something you probably don’t know about me is that I am very shy and extremely self-conscious.  For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with self-doubt.  Through the years, though, as I have become more and more involved with worship ministry, God has been teaching me to let go of my doubts and trust Him to provide the talent and ability that I need to serve Him in this ministry.

As I’ve learned to let go and trust God, worship has become a time when I can escape all the stress of life and focus all my energy on God.  When I’m singing praises to Him, I am able to completely let go of my fears, and let Him work in me.

So not only is worship precious time spent with my savior, but it is through worship that god has taught me to let go of fear, and live in faith.

That’s where my message to the teens stopped, but last night I thought of something else that I wish I had said to them.

We all sin.  We are all flawed.  We all struggle with things.  We all have fears.  It is very easy to allow these things to get in the way of allowing ourselves to draw close to God.  But here’s the thing, God knows every detail about us.  He knows our every thought.  He knows our flaws.  He knows how we struggle.  We can’t hide anything from Him.  In spite of all our imperfections, He loves us, and desires a relationship with us.

The beauty of this is that we don’t need to hide from God!  We don’t need to be afraid to approach His throne.  He is waiting for us to do so.  All we need to do is put aside our fears, and let Him in.  He is ready to receive us.  We just have to let Him.

I sometimes think about how I will be remembered after I’m gone from this life.  What will be left of me for my children (and maybe even grandchildren) to cling to.  Will they think about all the cute cakes I once made?  Will they think about how I used to sing?  Will they remember how I loved to laugh?  Will they remember the things I tried to teach them?

I hope they have memories of all these things, but that’s not the legacy I want to leave them.

The Bible gives us a beautiful example of the kind of legacy I want to leave.  Moses was truly a man of God.  My Bible study notes this week say this about him:

“Moses died in faith, expectantly.  He died as he had lived, with his eyes on God and with his heart’s desire for the people to love and obey God.”

When I first read that statement, I had to stop and let it sink in.

First, Moses died in excited anticipation of being with God.  He did not die in fear or sorrow.  He didn’t look back at his life on earth in regret.  Though he wasn’t allowed to enter the promised land of Canaan because of his own sin, he knew something greater awaited him, and he eagerly anticipated it.  He turned his eyes toward God and focused his gaze on Him as his spirit left this earth.

Second, the lasting desire of his heart was for his people, the Israelites, to know God and to love Him.  He didn’t desire wealth and prosperity.  He didn’t desire beauty and intelligence.  He didn’t even desire a life of happiness.  No, he wanted nothing more than for them to know and love God.

Can you imagine a better legacy?

I can’t.

When my family and friends reminisce about me, I want them to say, “She loved Jesus, and it showed in everything she did.”  And I want my children to know that my biggest desire for them was they they develop their own love affair with Jesus.  I want them to know the blessing of a life spent with Christ.

There is value in wishing success, prosperity, love, and acceptance for our kids’ lives, but those things are only valuable in this life.  What truly matters is that we instill in them the value of life with Jesus.

That is the legacy I desire to leave behind.

God, grant me the strength, courage, and wisdom to impart your truths on my family and friends.  Let your grace fall on me when I fail, and help me to remain steadfast in this journey.  Amen.