Monthly Archives: April 2015

I’ve Been Dead


I’ve Been Dead

For many months, I have struggled through thick, muddy darkness.  It’s been an all consuming battle.  There have been moments when I didn’t think I could survive it – moments I didn’t want to survive it.

I’ve been dead.

I’ve not been able to see goodness, joy, beauty, or love.  My sorrow has been so huge that it’s clouded my vision in every way possible.  It’s kept me from receiving the fullness of so many blessings.

I’ve been dead.

Through it all, my God has been big to me.  He’s been faithful to me.  He’s been my rock, my comforter, my peacemaker.  He’s been big to me.


He is not just big to me – He’s just BIG!

His goodness reaches across the vastness of our world.  It’s all encompassing.  He is everything I need Him to be at the exact same time as He is everything you need Him to be.  He’s yours just as much as He is mine.  I’ve been dead, so I missed His greatness for a little while.

This morning, as I fly home from a mountain top weekend with God, I have a window seat on the airplane.  I believe that this seat was specifically meant for me.  I’m sure of it!  I checked in late for my flight, so I was one of the very last passengers to board.  Naturally, I assumed all the window and aisle seats would already be taken, and I would be forced to sit in the middle of a row (which is not good news for those of us with long legs!).  But, as I walked through the plane, I spotted a window seat!  Of course I grabbed it as quickly as I could.  Once we were in the air, and I was completely settled in, I began to listen to music and look out the window.

That’s when it happened.

Chris Tomlin’s Almighty was playing in my ears.  Some of the lyrics are:

“Almighty, we’re standing in the presence of Your majesty.”

As those words played, I saw out the window a glimpse of God’s creation.  His majesty.  His presence took over at that moment and tears began to roll down my cheeks.  Happy tears.  He is so big, so faithful, so loving, that nothing can escape Him.  He has got me in the palm of His hand, and will never let me go.  And, though I’ve not been able to see His glory as much as He would want me to, He has never failed me.

I’ve been dead, but He revives me.

I believe He brought me all the way to New Mexico to remind me of His bigness.  He showed me a family who still loves me years after I moved away.  Though our lives are busy, and we don’t talk often, their love for me is big, as is mine for them.  The same thing applies to the friends I have scattered across the world.  God put them in my life on purpose!  And He brought me back to them to remind me that His faithfulness has never left me.

I’ve been dead.

And my world has become small.  It’s become lonely.  Though I am a shy, introverted person, I desperately need my close friends.  I need them often – daily, even.  Time and distance have caused me to forget many of those friendships existed.  Not wholly, of course, but I’ve forgotten the depth of these relationships, and I’ve very much felt the void where these friendships once were.

God knows my need for connection with people, and He had a plan to provide that for me.  He brought me to a place that He knew was best for me.  I kicked and screamed and threw a pretty impressive tantrum about moving to Florida, but now I bow my head and humbly thank my God!  He knew the people who would be waiting for me here.  He knew the friendships that were to be made.  He knew how I would crumble into a thousand tiny pieces.  And He knew this was exactly the place where His army could help put me back together.

I’ve been dead.

But not anymore!  My life is so much bigger than I’ve allowed myself to realize in recent years.  My life is full!

I’m not dead!

Lord, THANK YOU!  You knew I needed this reminder.  Thank you for all the beautiful people you have placed in my life.  Allow me to not forget it!  Fill my heart with continued peace and gratitude for all the blessings you’ve provided.  Allow the experience with You this weekend to sustain me through troublesome days.  God, continue to place in me more desire and passion for You.  Energize my body and spirit to fulfill Your calling on my life.  Use me, oh God.  Deliver me from the evil that has had a stronghold over me.  Remind me of this moment.  Be relentless with me, Lord.  Use me.  Thank you, Jesus.  Thank you for Your everlasting, never failing love.  Thank you for Your boldness to save me, putting Yourself aside for me.  Thank you, Jesus.  Amen.