There’s been a certain circumstance of my life that I’ve struggled and fought against for probably the last five years, or so. I’ve insisted that something needed to change in order for me to be happier. I’ve searched and prayed and schemed to find the answer to fix the problem, but nothing has really materialized.
But something has changed.
My daughter is 14. We found out she was on the way just after our first anniversary, which also happened to be just after I graduated college. Josh’s Air Force career had already begun to move us every few months, so I never really had a career of my own before we began having children.
At first, I absolutely loved being home with my kids. I wouldn’t change those years for anything. But, by the time Aero was about 3 years old, I had been home with children for over 10 years. A decade. I was dying to get out the door and do something different, something for myself.
Perhaps I needed a job.
Well, any military spouse can tell you that any variety of job that’s worth having is quite hard to come by when you are constantly on the move. So I have desperately tried to come up with something to do with my time that would bring fulfillment. And a little extra cash wouldn’t hurt, either. I’ve explored a few options, had a few part time jobs. But those didn’t satisfy me. They just left me tired, drained, grumpy, and even more empty.
What in the world? God, HELP ME!!! FIX ME!!!
Josh just came back from a deployment a month or so ago. While he was gone, I grew to really enjoy my quiet days at home while the kids were all in school. No, I didn’t just enjoy them – I NEEDED them. I craved days at home alone. What? That’s not me. I don’t like to be home all the time. Do I?
That’s exactly what I want. It’s what I need. Time to be alone – with God. So, what I’ve been looking for all this time is what I’ve had all this time?
Today I had the luxury of spending much of the day with God. I prayed. I praised. I studied. I listened. And now, I’m rested. I’m relaxed. I’m happy. I’m content. I’m joyful. I’m excited.
I’ve wasted so many years trying to change the circumstances that God has given me. He knew this was what I needed at this stage of my life. He provided what I needed, it just took me a while to receive His gift.
It truly is a gift that I am able to stay home. I’m able to send my children to school and be here when they get home. I’m able to prepare meals, and get caught up with work around the house without being overly stressed. I’m able to spend time in God’s word. I’m able to volunteer at school or church. I’m able to help friends.
Using this blessing of time allows me to give more of myself to those around me, and that’s the best blessing of all.
It’s so clear to me in this moment. Why did it take me so long to see it? And, if I’m honest, why will I not remember? There will come a day when I won’t remember. I will once again be chomping at the bit to get out of this house. Lord, help me remember.
Because I’ve spent the day listening to a lot of praise music, I’ve got lyrics dancing in my head, needing to be shared. So, once again, I leave you with a song…
by Chris Tomlin, Martin Chalk, Matt Redman, Jonas Myrin, and Jason Ingram
Sovereign in the mountain air, sovereign on the ocean floor, with me in the calm, with me in the storm.
Sovereign in my greatest joy, sovereign in my deepest cry, with me in the dark, with me at the dawn.
In Your everlasting arms, all the pieces of my life, from beginning to the end, I can trust You.
In Your never failing love You work everything for good.
God whatever comes my way, I will trust you.
All my hope, all I need, held in Your hands.
All my life, all of me, held in Your hands.
All my fears, all my dreams, held in Your hands.
God whatever comes my way, I will trust You.
He IS sovereign. He’s got this. I’m learning to let Him lead me. Will you let Him lead you?