I had clear thoughts about how I wanted to address this blog, but now as I sit here, those thoughts are gone. I just went back and read a couple of blogs that I wrote, but never posted, and what I know is that they were written during some of my cloudy moments. They are dark and desperate. If you are reading this, it’s because I finally wrote it in such a way that I felt I could share. It’s because I finally let go of my pride, and decided to share the darkest part of me. Why would I do that? Well, if there is one person out there who can be helped in some small way by reading this, then it will have been worth it. That being said, know that this is difficult for me to share. Unless I have let you into my personal life, you probably will be somewhat surprised by what you read.
Most days I’m fine. I’m just a normal girl – a wife and a mother, taking care of her family. Most days I laugh. I sing. Most days.
But there are other days. There are dark days.
These are the cloudy days. I call them that because it’s the best way I can think to describe them. They are covered in darkness, gloominess, and overwhelming sadness. I can never pinpoint the reason. There is no reason. I never know when these days are coming, or how long they will stick around. But when they hit, they hit hard. They take me down, beat me up, and leave me in the pit.
In the pit, I have two choices: dwell there, and let the sadness overpower me. Or, claw my way out, and carry on – in spite of the sadness. I choose my claws, but sometimes it takes a couple days to find them.
In the midst of the sadness there is guilt. As a Christian, I am supposed to be joyful and thankful for the blessings in my life. I am supposed to acknowledge all the many things God has done in my life, and know that Jesus is with me through every step of everyday. It’s strange how you can know these things in your head, but still have the sadness in your heart. Understand that there is a huge difference between the sadness, and a mere pity party. I’ve experienced both. They are not the same. The pity party can pretty easily be overcome, the sadness cannot. Simply put, the sadness is depression. There it is. I suffer from depression. Everyone has a struggle, and this is mine. It has cost me friendships. It has cost me happiness. It will not get the best of me. I will not let it.
My strength lies in my knowledge that God is with me always, and will never abandon me – especially on the cloudy days. He is always there, ready to pull me out of the pit.
My faith is what keeps me going on the cloudy days. Without it, life would be bleak and hopeless. I know there are those of my friends or family who do not believe in my God. I wonder what a faithless life is like. I wonder how anyone can make sense of this world without it. I wonder how anyone can survive a personal tragedy without faith in God. I honestly have no idea. I know some non-believers view believers as simple-minded, and foolish. Hmm. Well, what if I’m wrong? What if there is no God? What if my faith never amounts to anything? What if? My answer? So what. What have I lost for believing? Nothing. I’ve only had something to hold onto here on earth – something that has given me hope in a dark world. I’ve lost nothing for believing.
But, what if I’m right? What then? What have I gained? Eternal life in a perfect place with a perfect God. So, to any non-believers who may read this, if I’m right and there is indeed a God, what have you to gain by not believing? Even if it turns out to be for naught, what’s wrong with believing in someone who can offer comfort, peace, love, and so much more. He offers far more than this world ever could. He offers a place that will forever be without cloudy days.
No more cloudy days? Sign me up!